Can Parents Really Find Time for Self-Care?

Caring for children is arguably the hardest job in the world, and while it comes with a lot of joy, it unfortunately doesn’t offer much in the way of vacation days. Which leaves many people wondering how they can find time for self-care.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health pediatrician Joelle McConlogue, MD, who practices at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health — Pediatrics in Pleasanton, shares practical tips for finding ways to care for your own well-being amid the chaos of parenting, also in a HealthTalks podcast.

Why self-care matters

It’s the nature of parenting to want to put your child first. But Dr. McConlogue shared that self-care is essential because it directly impacts your ability to be the best parent you can be.

“The reason I think self-care is so important is because in order to be our best selves in anything, but especially in parenting and raising children, you have to be as healthy as you can, both physically and mentally.”

Dr. McConlogue urges parents to remember that self-care is not selfish; it’s an essential part of parenting.

“When the parents are happy, the children tend to thrive,” Dr. McConlogue said. “And unfortunately, the opposite is true: When parents are really struggling themselves, then that can trickle down sometimes and can affect parenting and affect kids’ development.”

Children learn by watching their parents. When they see you prioritizing your health, managing stress, and engaging in activities that make you happy, they’ll understand the importance of taking care of themselves, too.

Types of self-care

Dr. McConlogue categorizes self-care in two ways: physical and mental.

“When we talk about the physical, that’s just kind of basic good health advice,” she said. Making sure that you’re taking time to eat nutritious meals. Making sure you’re getting some exercise and getting outside. Making sure that you are prioritizing sleep. And making sure that you’re taking time to go to your own doctor’s appointments and keeping up with your own health.”

Parents are so good about putting other needs ahead of themselves, Dr. McConlogue explained, that it is common for parents to forget about their own interests and adult interactions, which is where mental self-care comes into play.

“In terms of mental health, I think it’s having a support system. Relying on people in your life who are there and who you can talk to,” she said. “Kids are great and fun to hang out with, but parents also need some adult interactions—whether that’s with a partner or a friend or family members, just having time where they can have their own support system and their own things.”

Finding time for self-care

You may be thinking that this all sounds great, but you’re so busy, how would you ever find the time? Dr. McConlogue shared that self-care doesn’t have to mean a big night out with a babysitter or an expensive spa day. Even doing small things for yourself can have an impact.

“Parenting is a 24-hours-a-day job, and you never get a break,” she shared. “So, I recognize and understand that it’s not always easy. But I would say to start small and evaluate the resources that you do have.”

One of her suggestions is to build self-care into your daily routine, such as:

Spend 10 to 15 minutes reading a book before bed.

Take a 10-minute walk outside to clear your mind.

Paint your nails or enjoy a quiet cup of tea.

Set aside 10 minutes to work on your favorite hobby.

“Small, consistent acts of self-care can have a more lasting impact than occasional grand gestures,” Dr. McConlogue advised. “Scale back your expectations; it will take longer to finish that book or knit that sweater, but maintain your hobbies and interests as much as you can.”

She also suggests that parents schedule time for self-care. Adding it to your calendar makes it feel like a priority versus an afterthought.

“I would encourage people to sit down at the beginning of the week to look at the calendar and actually put time on the calendar, because we all know in our busy lives that if it’s not scheduled, it doesn’t happen,” Dr. McConlogue said. “When it’s on the calendar, that not only gives you a chance to look forward to it, but it also increases the chance that it will actually happen.”

Finding support for self-care

Whether you parent alone or with a partner, having support is an essential resource. Dr. McConlogue encourages parents to build a community of family and friends who can pitch in when you need extra help.

“If there’s a supportive partner, switch off with that partner. You can tag-team so you can each get some time,” she said. “If that is not an option, you can enlist the help of family members, or there are also mom groups or church groups or other people that are in your community.”

Dr. McConlogue also wants parents to know that they do not have to do it all. Set priorities and remember that it’s OK to let go of some things.

“Try to switch your mindset. Rather than saying, ‘I didn’t get to the dishes,’ switch it around and say, ‘You know what, I did get everybody fed today,’” she said. “So rather than focusing on what you haven’t gotten done, try to just make a mental list of what you did do.” In the long run, that’s what the kids will remember, not how clean the dishes were.

Your family pediatrician is also a valuable resource for supporting your self-care goals in many ways.

“If parents are feeling that they could use that extra support, I really hope that they would reach out to their pediatrician so we could be a resource for them. Pediatricians can remind parents it is not only OK, but it’s good to take a break.

“I think parents, to their credit, just want to give their all to their kids, and it’s important to remember that it’s OK to just take a break,” she said. “Parenting is the hardest job there is, and the majority of people are doing a fantastic job and just need a little bit of encouragement.”

To read more advice from Dr. McConlogue, check out When to Take Your Child to Your Pediatrician for Stomach Issues or Safety Tips for Older Kids.

For more information on parenting, read Getting Help When the Baby Blues Don’t Go Away.